AN “AH-HA!” MOMENT THAT ONLY TOOK SIXTY-ONE YEARS TO REALIZE

Recently I’ve been questioning if writing is what I really want to do at this stage in my life.  I don’t want to work for an employer.  I’ve  worked mostly for others from the time I was 13 until I was 70.   Now is the time I want to find meaning and purpose through something I’m passionate about.  Is it my passion to write, and if so, why does my computer remain idle for days and weeks on end? 

Not long ago I met with a friend and fellow writer to compare notes on the progress we were each making in our memoirs.  We originally met each other in a senior center writers’ group.  We’re not published authors, just a couple of gals in our seventies finally doing what we’ve dreamed of doing for many years – telling our stories by putting our words down on paper.  Though I must admit, I secretly hold the desire in my heart to become a published writer.  Well, I guess that’s no secret now. 

It came up in our conversation that she knew she wanted to write early in her childhood.  My first thought was, “oh, I should have been so lucky” then I realized I was and didn’t know it.

When I was questioning if writing was my passion, I entered a search in Google on impulse with the search words “how to know my passion”.  The AI Overview suggested, among other things, that I reflect on childhood joys and strengths, and pay attention to what makes me lose track of time. 

I also recently read in “Someday Is Not a Day of the Week” by Sam Horn, a quote from Gloria Steinem. “Writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.”  Steinem advised people to do what they love so much that they lose track of time while they’re doing it. 

That started me to wondering if there were clues from my childhood that may clarify if writing is truly my passion, and if I’ve ever lost track of time when I’ve been writing.  The answer is yes!

That’s exactly what happened to me when I was writing a paper for my World Geography class in my freshman year of high school.    In hindsight, 61 years later, I now know I was caught in the throes of a passion.  I didn’t recognize it for what it was at the time.   

Our assignment was to pick any country in the world and write a paper about it.  I chose the United States of America.  I don’t think I could have chosen a larger, more diverse and difficult country to write about, but I never did shy away from a challenge, so I dove right in.

Sitting at the dining room table I was pulling all the information together and starting to write my paper when Mother passed by about 10:00 p.m. on her way to bed.  She said, “Don’t stay up too late, honey.”  I assured her I wouldn’t. 

The next thing I knew Mother came out of her bedroom as I was still writing and said, “Have you been up all night?”  It was 6:30 a.m. the next morning. 

I was so engrossed in my writing that I had totally lost track of time and didn’t feel the slightest bit tired.  In fact, I was energized by the entire process of gathering information, analyzing it, and then writing about everything I had learned in the process. 

What’s even more amazing is that this occurred at a time in my life when if I didn’t get 10 hours sleep at night, I was a walking zombie the next day.  Even though I had not gotten any sleep the night before, my writer’s high keep me going the entire next day during school.  I didn’t crash until that night.

Looking back on that moment I can confidently say that despite the decades long delay, that was an “ah-ha” moment that told me writing was my passion.  Since then I’ve had other times in which I’ve totally lost track of time when I’m writing. 

One question down, one to go.  If writing is my passion, why does my computer sit idle for days and weeks at a time?  This was a much harder question to answer.  Even if it were possible, I didn’t want to wait another 61 years for that answer to dawn on me.  I needed to know now. 

So, I thought about it, I meditated on it, I slept on it, and the gut-wrenching answer finally came to me.  Correction – it wasn’t the answer to the question of my procrastination that twisted my stomach in a knot.  It was my immediate determination that I wouldn’t let the answer continue to be an excuse that would keep me from writing. 

I’d already come up with a million and one excuses to put off writing.  (Hence, the dusty computer.), and now that I knew writing was truly my passion, I refused to make any more excuses to avoid diving right in to the degree I’d dreamed about. 

What was that “ah-ha” realization of what lies behind my procrastination?  Well, first let me just say that writing is very personal.  Through my writing I’m exposing myself to others in ways that are very uncomfortable for me.  I don’t mind having my words and how I put them together examined by others.  I greatly welcome suggestions on how I can improve.  It’s the degree to which my writing is personal.  The thought of exposing who I am as a person makes me very uncomfortable. 

I had no idea how much anxiety was buried deep within me over my determination to write, not just for my own satisfaction, but to also have my writing published.  Good grief, that’s throwing it all out there in public. 

I could fill pages with lists of self-doubts when it comes to writing, but even I would find that boring.  

After letting 61 years go by, failing to recognize and act on that first all-important “ah-ha” moment, I am determined to make every day count from now on. 

I can see that by publishing my writing I could open myself up to harsh judgment from others.  But I now know that writing is my passion, and I understand and can deal with the reason for my procrastination. 

So, at this point in my life all I can say is “Screw it, I’m going for it”.